Brand Mission Statement Labels

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Russell Street

King Of The Trolls
I'm thinking of starting a menzwear accessories brand where instead of a logo I just cover the entire piece with an essay. Something a very earnest sixth grader would write.

This t-shirt was made from organic and fair-trade cotton. The cotton grower is an older fellow who hails from the mountains of Peru and farms the cotton with his four sons. This cotton is grown at altitude for better breatheability and oxygen utilization. We used sustainable craftsmanship and care in the manufacture of this garment. This shirt is named "Fred" to connote the every-day everyman connotation behind the style of this shirt. I hope you will wear it every day and wash it once in a while. Please tell your mom to use dye-free detergent and cold water when washing this shirt.
I'm rather surprised that Gianni hasn't put screeds on his labels telling how each Passagio Cravatte tie is handmade from a single piece of vintage, screened by hand like a hundred years ago, thirst with many years on its shoulders etc.

What marketing fluff should other brands place on their items to convey a true sense of the brand and their products?
These Alden Longwings (TM) have been christened the OneShoe (TM) by the Esquire Best Dressed Real Man (TM) runner-up Matthew Fan (TM). In fact, Matthew Fan (TM) has been spotted wearing these shoes with khakis, jeans, pajamas, and even walking shorts while on vacation. We're not quite sure what to make of that, but he was chosen by Esquire (TM) readers as one of the Best Dressed Real Men, so we bow to their judgement. And rest assured, Matthew Fan is a notoriously picky and demanding former law associate, menswear blogger, and postwhore extraordinaire, so if he is pleased with our shoe, you will be as well.
I figure Alden could be hyper-literal.

Alden Shoemakers have been making the exact same shoes made with the exact same machines by the same old employees in the same old cottage factory for well over half a century. We have no interest in modernity, increased production, customer satisfaction. We are dedicated to maintaining our production as a time capsule of Kennedy-era American shoemaking. You can get our shell cordovan in any color as long as it is (whatever that one color they let you have is), but you'll wait a really long time because fuck you. One day soon our septagenarian employees will start dying out or we won't be able to find someone to work on our antediluvian machinery and we'll just close shop and call it quits, so stock up now and in several months you'll get your shoos. Rest assured that we will never produce a new, sleek last. Nothing new will ever be designed here ever again. And that's the way we like it.
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