More Things A Man Should Know About Style
With the possible exception of an Ivy League football game during which people cheer, "boolah, boolah," it is never acceptable for a man to wear a fur coat--not raccoon, not fox, not mink.
Certain men's coats, however, can tolerate having collars trimmed in a short, subdued fur.
Patchwork rabbit, no matter how beigy monochromatic, does not count as subdued.
Shearlings are fine, if a bit cowboyish. Which brings us to the next subject.
Cowboy boots: no.
Cowboy shirts: probably not.
Cowboy hats: no.
Large belt buckles: only if you're a cowboy.
Don't leave that bolo tie in your drawer. You could die. Someone could find it.
Wearing a suit does not make you a "suit."
Wearing a bad suit or an incorrectly tailored suit or the same damned navy suit every day makes you a "suit."
The good suit: horn buttons, hand-stitched lapels, felt under the collar, canvas interlining (stitched, not glued, in place), and a fabric soft enough to wear for twelve hours without making you itch to take your pants off.
If you are one of those men who tend to whistle while prowling the halls at work with their hands jammed into their trouser pockets and jingling the coins therein, stop it.
Cuffs: on suit trousers or any pants you'd wear with a tie except tuxedo pants.
No cuffs: on jeans or khakis, unless they are pleated, which they should never be.
Owning a set of golf clubs is not a license for wearing hideous clothes.
Fabrics for easy-traveling suits: nailhead, crepe, lightweight tweed.
Fabrics for hot days: tropical-weight wool, cotton, linen, seersucker.
Seersucker: not to be worn by men under fifty or men whose primary residence isn't immediately adjacent to the county courthouse in a southern state.
The best thing about casual Friday is that it makes those of us who decline to observe it look really, really good.
Number of neckties you must own: one.
Which one? The black knit tie.
Of course, you're better off with a handful, all in silk: a couple of dark solids, a few with simple stripes, and one or two natty numbers such as you'd buy at Hermès.
The Moscow theory as applied to tie acquisition: Anytime you see a necktie you like, buy it. If you decide to wait and come back later, it will be gone.
Hats will make a comeback one day. It is not that day.
The Burberry trench coat.
A real Timex is better than a fake Rolex.
The best Timex is the original: the Mercury.
Three-button suit: yes. Two- button: yes. One-button: only on a tuxedo.
Speaking of buttons, with two, you fasten only the top button; with three, it's either the middle or the middle and the top.
Should you find yourself in a four-button suit coat: Unfasten all buttons. Remove. Discard.
A man, unless he is under the age of six, should not wear overalls.
You know how the outside pockets of a new suit are stitched shut? Leave them stitched shut. This preserves the lean shape of the suit by prohibiting you from stuffing the pockets.
What to do should anyone call you a dandy: Open closet. Remove contents. Begin again.
Once upon a time, labels were worn only on the inside of clothes--those were better times.
Some discreet logos, however, are tolerable on sports clothing: Ralph Lauren's polo player and pony, Lacoste's crocodile, Fred Perry's crest, Brooks Brothers' golden fleece.
A goatee: no.
A soul patch: no.
Elvis sideburns: only if you're Elvis, which you're not, because we saw him last night outside a 7-Eleven in Waukesha, Wisconsin.
The length of one's sideburns is inversely proportional to one's ability to rise in the corporate hierarchy.
Unless one works at Graceland.
A ponytail: You're joking, right? Of course you're joking. Ha, ha.
Go to work clean-shaven, because you are not Sonny Crocket, and even if you are, Miami Vice was canceled in 1989.
Despite the wickedly clever strategies developed by department stores to market such items each holiday season, do not succumb to purchasing a Christmas tie.
Wear no clothing emblazoned with opinions or exhortations.
If you own any T-shirts with such legends as I'M WITH STUPID or 100% BITCH or NOBODY KNOWS ME LIKE COSMO, please put this magazine down and walk away slowly.
The business-shirt wardrobe: Though some stylebooks would prescribe four white shirts, four blue shirts, et cetera, it's better to have whatever kind of high-quality shirts you like that are acceptable in your office.
Argyle with anything is fraught with peril.
That said, your shirt wardrobe should total at least ten so that the first five can be in the laundry for a week before you're caught without.
Shoe styles in descending order of dressiness: formal pumps, plain-toe oxfords, cap-toe oxfords, wing-tip or patterned leather oxfords, loafers, bucks, espadrilles, Dr. Scholl's sandals, hip waders, oily rags.
Speaking of espadrilles, if you wear them, you should feel ashamed.
Or French. And ashamed.
Wear no funny underwear.
Funny underwear shall be defined as those garments including, but not limited to, neon-colored briefs, boxers printed with lipstick kisses, or any style of Skivvies whose fly zone is emblazoned with HOME OF THE WHOPPER.
Unshined shoes are the bloodstained hands of style.
For all hairstyling products, a little dab will, indeed, do you.
In the unlikely event that a little dab will not do you, get a different hairstyle.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.
A case in which the above rule should be ignored: when the job you have is chief loan officer at a very conservative bank and the job you want is to be Mookie the dancing woodchuck in a musical adaptation of George Orwell's Animal Farm.
You know how some men wear a shirt with a tie and the shirt's a little too small so their neck sort of curls over their shirt like the end of a German sausage bursting beyond its casing? Don't do that.
Things to shave: face, head.
Things not to shave: everything else.
Skinny men can wear things that fat men cannot.
Italian men, whether fat or skinny, can wear things American men cannot.
That said, if she asks, dance
you must.
At the end of the day, know simply that you need only remember and bring to bear those stylish guidelines that work best for you.
Toupees and comb-overs betray a level of moral dishonesty equivalent to the practice of buttock augmentation.
If you are going bald, cut your hair close to the scalp.
Dancing can be hell on your clothes, your shoes, and your hairstyle.
Dancing is best performed by those who can dance.
Those who can dance know who they are. Usually.
