Dealing with ageing family members

FiL is shifting to palliative care today with weeks left. We were never close but it is going to be really rough on my wife and kids.
 
Dropbear said:
FiL is shifting to palliative care today with weeks left. We were never close but it is going to be really rough on my wife and kids.
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Sorry to hear that. It's always a trying time whenever that decision is made.
 
Hopefully he's had a long and rewarding life. When my grandfather got to that stage, and he stayed at home relying on Macmillan nurses getting back in time before the morphine dose ran out, it's just tragic. The best place are those hospices where it can be managed. That last week of his life I stayed at my grandparents and it was intense, sad and tragic, but all-in-all he was 88 and had a rich life of experiences and whilst physical decline is inevitable he was mentally sharp until the end.

You have to be thankful for the time you've had and still got. But one thing for sure, we're all dead certs in the end.
 
The kids are too young to get vaccinated and have to go to in-person school in a week, so they won’t be able to visit their grandfather before he goes. They are spending lots of time there this week and after that it will be waves from the backyard and FaceTime only. Fucking sucks.
 
Dropbear said:
The kids are too young to get vaccinated and have to go to in-person school in a week, so they won’t be able to visit their grandfather before he goes. They are spending lots of time there this week and after that it will be waves from the backyard and FaceTime only. Fucking sucks.
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that's got to be crushing. i can't imagine watching someone fade away through a fucking window.
 
Rambo said:
that's got to be crushing. i can't imagine watching someone fade away through a fucking window.
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Yeh, but it would be worse knowing you were the one who infected and killed them.
 
Rambo said:
of course. still for young kids its got to be heartbreaking.
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Yeh. For all his many faults, the old bugger was a good grandfather and the kids are pretty close to him. It will be rough.
 
I must be in a minority in stating that I find the sarcopenia/ dynapenia more troubling for his parents than even the hearing loss. He states his father cannot support his own weight anymore etc.

Either way dude, you need to be on them like white on rice. Rapid and deep age-related degeneration should not be accepted.

I watch my ersatz FIL going down rapidly and all his offspring are casual about it: the bitterness, many grudges with all and sundry and the cocktail of morbid obesity (well, his gut mainly), long-established diabetes, arthritis in all joints, piss poor sleep, cardiac issues and now non-malignant tumour in his gall bladder. He is going down fast and tbh I am amazed he is still alive. And wouldn't be surprised if he kicks it very soon.

He used to be full of vim and vigour, travel extensively and had two businesses as little as seven years ago. Had a few business investments tank, couldn't work much, if at all because of the pain in his hands, knees and back and the enemy list keeps growing (he confided to me, over several whiskeys a few weeks back that he is in so much pain, he can barely afford to physically wipe his own ass anymore).

Problem is he is a curmudgeon, he has a doctor son, a nurse daughter, an engineer son, IT and teacher daughters, all learned. And IMO, especially the doc and nurse have dropped the ball big time.
 
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QuandoDio said:
I must be in a minority in stating that I find the sarcopenia/ dynapenia more troubling for his parents than even the hearing loss. He states his father cannot support his own weight anymore etc.

Either way dude, you need to be on them like white on rice. Rapid and deep age-related degeneration should not be accepted.

I watch my ersatz FIL go daily and all his good are casual about it: the bitterness, many grudges with all and sundry and the cocktail of morbid obesity (well, his gut mainly), long-established diabetes, arthritis in all joints, piss poor sleep, cardiac issues and now non-malignant tumour in his gall bladder. He is going down fast and tbh I am amazed he is still alive. Ands wouldn't be surprised if he kicks it very soon.

He used to be full of vim and vigour, travel extensively and had two businesses as little as seven years ago. Had a few business investments tank, couldn't work much, if at all because of the pain in his hands, knees and back and the enemy list keeps growing (he confided to me, over several whiskeys a few weeks back that he is in so much pain, he can barely afford to wipe his own ass anymore).

Problem is he is a curmudgeon, he has a doctor son, a nurse daughter, an engineer son, IT and teacher daughters, all learned. And IMO, especially the doc and nurse have dropped the ball big time.
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Sounds dreadful mate.

Ageing in my grandparents generation I could accept as it seemed a natural part of life, but in my parents, aunts and uncles less so. It's like dagger into my own mortality. They don't appear to have aged with as much grace.

Quite literally so, my father is sectioned under some mental health act, mother took up smoking after a 20 plus year break and looks frail now and one of my uncles (no blood relation) has dementia in his early 70s.

My mum has adopted the pose of hard done ageing divorcee and has it in for everyone. She literally aged 20 years in 18 months about 8/9 years back. Unbelievable.

One of my favourite uncles has within the last 3 years gone fat, he looks like a Buddha. He's only 60 and has taken early retirement.

To me it's clear: you need to maintain an active lifestyle, work if it's enjoyable or have some hobby that gives your life structure, lay off the cigarettes and don't over eat and change your diet as age dictates.

I'm hoping that works for me and I will leave quietly in my sleep when I'm between 83-88 after a good meal and a Cognac.
 
QuandoDio said:
Either way dude, you need to be on them like white on rice. Rapid and deep age-related degeneration should not be accepted.
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Since you mentioned hearing loss, I reckon it's addressed to me.

I finally took a week off so I could go golfing with my father. He was saying all during the lockdown how he wanted to go and managed to golf with his sister at a 9 hole then executive 18 hole. He really wanted to go to one of the courses that used to be on our circuit - about 6000 yards. He bragged to me that he played better than his sister. He had some condescending opinions on the groups in front and back. And he even said he walked the executive course and probably could walk 6000 yards.

At any rate, he managed to play till about the 15th on an executive 18 hole before fatigue set in and he pulled his cart for the rest of the course as a spectator. Half the time he tees off he can't see his ball with or without sunglasses or sunlight in his eyes. He had this issue 10 plus years ago but double cataract surgery resolved it. Reckon he might need it again. Then he played my ball on the green once. Afterwards he had to double check his ball because he was unsure. Then when we were backed up he started making snide comments about the group in front. Practically everything he complained about golfing with my 80 year old uncle were legitimate observations I made of him except I kept my mouth shut.

The hearing loss issue came up again last night at a multi course dinner party with my mother. It's not so much you can't hear - binary zero or one. It's the fact her brain makes up words she can't hear so she comes up with an incoherent response. At least twice the conversation went on a tangent because she substituted one or two words she couldn't hear to continue the conversation. Of course when I call her out on it, she says she most definitely can't hear me and that hearing loss tests are for deaf people.
 
Rambo said:
that's got to be crushing. i can't imagine watching someone fade away through a fucking window.
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The kids saw him in person last night to say goodbye, though he wasn’t too lucid. He was getting hospice care at home right up until the end, this morning.
 
Fwiffo said:
Since you mentioned hearing loss, I reckon it's addressed to me.
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My missus is always complaining I need a hearing aid. No, I just like my music played loud.

We might be bringing the mother-in-law back based on the medical services are better here than over there in Moldovia. As if we couldn't have guessed. But it's all a bit up the air at the moment. I have no problem with that, except if she's in charge of the food, we're in a major feeder situation again.

Meanwhile, my mother's back on the fags and several two fingered whiskies and a bottle of wine over dinner by herself. So my sister has supposedly got her going to AA this week. I said that's good they have a buddy system, which my sister said what's that? I'm not sure that will help, there ain't no cure for 32 years of marriage when your husband has left you for a decades younger PA and you've allowed yourself to get ripped-off in the divorce proceedings.

From what I've seen, women never recover from that, even if it is 20 years ago now and hence she's all bitter and twisted on whisky, wine and microwave meals.

Sad, but true. I'm too far away to make a real difference.
 
That funeral was fucking gut wrenching and heart breaking. I never really got along with the old man or found common ground, but he was a good husband and father. He and my MiL had a true ‘Hallmark Chanel’ romance and were still inseparable 51 years after marrying.
 
Dropbear said:
That funeral was fucking gut wrenching and heart breaking. I never really got along with the old man or found common ground, but he was a good husband and father. He and my MiL had a true ‘Hallmark Chanel’ romance and were still inseparable 51 years after marrying.
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Find funerals tend to be either of the Irish wake type, a celebration of the life lived, or rather morbid and depressing. It seems to be weighted to the latter these days.

The last 5 or so years has been awakening for me. All those boomers in the family arriving to their sixties and early seventies and many of them with ill health. Seems more so than my grandparents generation, but I could be wrong. My grandparents generation are all gone now. 20 years ago they were all alive.

This ageing thing, I don't dig it.
 
Dropbear said:
That funeral was fucking gut wrenching and heart breaking. I never really got along with the old man or found common ground, but he was a good husband and father. He and my MiL had a true ‘Hallmark Chanel’ romance and were still inseparable 51 years after marrying.
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Sorry for your loss.
 
Pimpernel Smith said:
The last 5 or so years has been awakening for me. All those boomers in the family arriving to their sixties and early seventies and many of them with ill health. Seems more so than my grandparents generation, but I could be wrong. My grandparents generation are all gone now. 20 years ago they were all alive.

This ageing thing, I don't dig it.
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My Southern Baptist 87yo FiL was buried today by his 100yo Vietnamese FiL, who is still mentally sharp , walking around looking closer to 80. His secret: whiskey, gambling and chasing loose women.
 
Pimpernel Smith said:
Find funerals tend to be either of the Irish wake type, a celebration of the life lived, or rather morbid and depressing. It seems to be weighted to the latter these days.

The last 5 or so years has been awakening for me. All those boomers in the family arriving to their sixties and early seventies and many of them with ill health. Seems more so than my grandparents generation, but I could be wrong. My grandparents generation are all gone now. 20 years ago they were all alive.

This ageing thing, I don't dig it.
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Oh, I have noticed this too. Big time. A sense of 'rapid' ageing and it seems to start younger and younger.
 
My youngest aunt died last night. She was 61. Had lots of health issues through controlling her weight through a diet of cigarettes and died of that disease - not emphysema - but something similar where you don't get enough oxygen into your blood stream. She was a very entertaining sort, came over here with my mum in the mid-2000's and had to try the white widow ready rolled cannabis cigarette.

As is often the case with near death, I was talking to my kids about her the night before, as she had babysat for us when my brother was born back in 1975. My kids didn't believe anyone could remember that long back. I didn't know at that time she was in hospital close to death.

Was planning on going for the funeral, but it's one of them anti-wake-funerals where it's just a service and cremation with nothing afterwards and please donate to this charity. So I don't know yet. I should pay respects. I'll find out tomorrow and make a move after that.
 
Pimpernel Smith said:
My youngest aunt died last night. She was 61. Had lots of health issues through controlling her weight through a diet of cigarettes and died of that disease - not emphysema - but something similar where you don't get enough oxygen into your blood stream. She was a very entertaining sort, came over here with my mum in the mid-2000's and had to try the white widow ready rolled cannabis cigarette.

As is often the case with near death, I was talking to my kids about her the night before, as she had babysat for us when my brother was born back in 1975. My kids didn't believe anyone could remember that long back. I didn't know at that time she was in hospital close to death.

Was planning on going for the funeral, but it's one of them anti-wake-funerals where it's just a service and cremation with nothing afterwards and please donate to this charity. So I don't know yet. I should pay respects. I'll find out tomorrow and make a move after that.
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Sorry to hear
 
Dropbear said:
Sorry to hear
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Such is life. As you know, when you live far away from your home country, when people die, it's often strangely remote and unreal. She was very much part of my sister and my babysitting from 71-75. Long ago now, but it was all very real and essential back then. I can feel it still, her youth.
 
Pimpernel Smith said:
My youngest aunt died last night. She was 61. Had lots of health issues through controlling her weight through a diet of cigarettes and died of that disease - not emphysema - but something similar where you don't get enough oxygen into your blood stream. She was a very entertaining sort, came over here with my mum in the mid-2000's and had to try the white widow ready rolled cannabis cigarette.

As is often the case with near death, I was talking to my kids about her the night before, as she had babysat for us when my brother was born back in 1975. My kids didn't believe anyone could remember that long back. I didn't know at that time she was in hospital close to death.

Was planning on going for the funeral, but it's one of them anti-wake-funerals where it's just a service and cremation with nothing afterwards and please donate to this charity. So I don't know yet. I should pay respects. I'll find out tomorrow and make a move after that.
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condolences for your loss
 
Pimpernel Smith said:
Was planning on going for the funeral, but it's one of them anti-wake-funerals where it's just a service and cremation with nothing afterwards
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Sorry for your loss. Isn't it an hour and a bit flight away and back?

You could come back the same day.
 
Fwiffo said:
Sorry for your loss. Isn't it an hour and a bit flight away and back?

You could come back the same day.
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You can do it in a day, quite easily into Manchester or Liverpool. But now I'm waiting on the covid test of which there's back log in testing results. Maybe we won't get them until Monday now.

Anyway, it's all complex as my aunt had estranged herself from the family, then got back with some and others not. There's people who think they're going to the funeral, but are definitely not invited and will rejected if they go. Probably best to keep out of it.
 
I almost wish my dad had an alzheimers diagnosis rather than just been a forgetful, well-meaning but self-centred doofus. He is coming out to visit for the first time in 6-7 years next week, but trying to pin down what days he is actually going to be here is infuriating. And now it looks like he is coming Monday to Friday, which kinda defeats a big part of the idea of spending time with the grandkids.
 
Dropbear said:
I almost wish my dad had an alzheimers diagnosis rather than just been a forgetful, well-meaning but self-centred doofus. He is coming out to visit for the first time in 6-7 years next week, but trying to pin down what days he is actually going to be here is infuriating. And now it looks like he is coming Monday to Friday, which kinda defeats a big part of the idea of spending time with the grandkids.
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I thought you were the one going to Perth? With the restrictions relaxed down under.
 
Mum
  • Dementia - not quite as poor as my mate's mum who can't live with her husband anymore, but fruit can be found rotting. I have to clear the fridge sometimes because there was a sauce or pesto or something left over in a tupperware somewhere. The same goes for the freezer and mystery meats. There's actually no point to try to describe an itinerary more than 48 hours out because she will end up asking again. Occasionally we have conversations about the same thing a few days later with the exact same questions, tone and diction.
  • Hearing loss - it's getting worse. You could literally walk, close the door, take off your shoes, go out of her visual sight and she hasn't a clue. The worse is when she thinks she heard something, but didn't. And the making up narratives and tangents on conversations because she can't hear what it is but is using her fiction/story making brain to keep up with the conversation continues.
  • Heat - I sweat a lot especially on my forehead which she attributes to alcoholism but my mother absolutely can't sit in a restaurant that doesn't have air conditioning. Anything underneath the sun is also stressful. Turns red like a beet.
  • Can't take sour - any amount of sour.
  • Sensitive to salt although at times she adds salt liberally herself.
  • Can't cut up onions anymore. Can't stand being in a room with onions cut up an hour ago and placed in a bowl.
  • Horrific mixture of not wanting to offend people because of her senior age and her personality type of I know what's best for you. I don't know how many times I had to remind her that this matter is settled. My brother's wife doesn't like ABC and you keep peddling ABC.
  • Teeth issues - peas are a challenge. Rice needs to be cooked to almost risotto texture. Pasta is far from al dente. Literally any veg needs to be boiled till its soft. Soupy messes are preferred.
  • YouTube has become my mother's primary source of news. If we didn't mandate vaccines, she would have opted for herbal supplements and she was in the medical profession.

Father
  • Some athletes in their 30s lose their ability to sprint at top speed. The quickness is gone. Somewhere my father has lost the ability to run. For someone who used to be the quickest off a train, up the stairs, it's actually a bit painful to see him struggling to keep up behind. If it starts raining I actually see him trying to move faster but there isn't any speed anymore.
  • Internal temperature changes. Could be cold in raging heat without A/C. Could be hot in 18c indoor temperatures in the depths of winter. Temperature changes can swing multiple times a day.
  • Teeth issues - if meat isn't braised so it's falling apart, it's considered tough. He's also missing some teeth and loses one every year. Salads are basically out of the door now. Crunchy nuts, raw sugar snap peas are a bother.
  • Too much fibre, too little fibre. Celery is too fibrous to chew through. But then there's too little fibre too. And this is with porridge being his breakfast 6 of 7 mornings a week.
  • Food that is too rich, too oily, or has too much butter.
  • Sugar. I think he is a hidden diabetic because he loved desserts and has slowly cut himself out of nearly all of it.
  • Random coughing. He has taken to bringing cough drops or even taking cough medicine before attending the opera or concerts.
  • Energy levels - I'm not sure how he can walk a golf course anymore. After one physically draining event, he needs a nap or takes the rest of the day off. During that time he is watching streaming services or YouTube on his tablets or mobile phones.
  • A very dim and cynical view on society, government and the influences from greedy corporations - although I reckon dialogue with me reinforces that.
 
My aunt's MIL had Alzheimer's. When she passed, they found a stash of umbrellas because she would buy a new one every time it rained.
 
Fwiffo said:
Mum
  • Dementia - not quite as poor as my mate's mum who can't live with her husband anymore, but fruit can be found rotting. I have to clear the fridge sometimes because there was a sauce or pesto or something left over in a tupperware somewhere. The same goes for the freezer and mystery meats. There's actually no point to try to describe an itinerary more than 48 hours out because she will end up asking again. Occasionally we have conversations about the same thing a few days later with the exact same questions, tone and diction.
  • Hearing loss - it's getting worse. You could literally walk, close the door, take off your shoes, go out of her visual sight and she hasn't a clue. The worse is when she thinks she heard something, but didn't. And the making up narratives and tangents on conversations because she can't hear what it is but is using her fiction/story making brain to keep up with the conversation continues.
  • Heat - I sweat a lot especially on my forehead which she attributes to alcoholism but my mother absolutely can't sit in a restaurant that doesn't have air conditioning. Anything underneath the sun is also stressful. Turns red like a beet.
  • Can't take sour - any amount of sour.
  • Sensitive to salt although at times she adds salt liberally herself.
  • Can't cut up onions anymore. Can't stand being in a room with onions cut up an hour ago and placed in a bowl.
  • Horrific mixture of not wanting to offend people because of her senior age and her personality type of I know what's best for you. I don't know how many times I had to remind her that this matter is settled. My brother's wife doesn't like ABC and you keep peddling ABC.
  • Teeth issues - peas are a challenge. Rice needs to be cooked to almost risotto texture. Pasta is far from al dente. Literally any veg needs to be boiled till its soft. Soupy messes are preferred.
  • YouTube has become my mother's primary source of news. If we didn't mandate vaccines, she would have opted for herbal supplements and she was in the medical profession.

Father
  • Some athletes in their 30s lose their ability to sprint at top speed. The quickness is gone. Somewhere my father has lost the ability to run. For someone who used to be the quickest off a train, up the stairs, it's actually a bit painful to see him struggling to keep up behind. If it starts raining I actually see him trying to move faster but there isn't any speed anymore.
  • Internal temperature changes. Could be cold in raging heat without A/C. Could be hot in 18c indoor temperatures in the depths of winter. Temperature changes can swing multiple times a day.
  • Teeth issues - if meat isn't braised so it's falling apart, it's considered tough. He's also missing some teeth and loses one every year. Salads are basically out of the door now. Crunchy nuts, raw sugar snap peas are a bother.
  • Too much fibre, too little fibre. Celery is too fibrous to chew through. But then there's too little fibre too. And this is with porridge being his breakfast 6 of 7 mornings a week.
  • Food that is too rich, too oily, or has too much butter.
  • Sugar. I think he is a hidden diabetic because he loved desserts and has slowly cut himself out of nearly all of it.
  • Random coughing. He has taken to bringing cough drops or even taking cough medicine before attending the opera or concerts.
  • Energy levels - I'm not sure how he can walk a golf course anymore. After one physically draining event, he needs a nap or takes the rest of the day off. During that time he is watching streaming services or YouTube on his tablets or mobile phones.
  • A very dim and cynical view on society, government and the influences from greedy corporations - although I reckon dialogue with me reinforces that.
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How old are they fwiffs?
 
QuandoDio said:
Aging sucks.
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Yes it does but at least there are things you can do about it. Putting in crowns to save what's left of your teeth might not help in the long term but improving your fitness and strength like Jan Libourel is a way to overcome or at the very least mitigate some of the effects.
 
fxh said:
How old are they fwiffs?
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72 and 73 I believe.

I forgot. He can't sit on Ikea like furniture. There's not enough cushion because of his lack of flesh.

A hectic physical day for both is then followed up with a day where Ben Gay is the cologne/scent of the day.
 
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