The Official #2 Tips and Tricks

OfficePants

OfficePants

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So, time for a serious discussion on our collective life leanings around having a shit.

I'll start: Spread the ass.

I used to just plop down and go, but no more.

Sit one cheek at a time, so when you are settling in grab your other (non seated) cheek before you finish sitting and give it a good spread, the net effect is less mess to wipe.
 
:dave: MOD ABUSE MOD ABUSE MOD ABUSE :dave:

(also, my favorite smiley ever)
 
Instead of a strait wipe, let your first ass 'wipe' be in fact a pinch so you don't smear the shit further, that first pinch will control the amount of smear and get most of the shit in one shot.
 
OfficePants said:
Instead of a strait wipe, let your first ass 'wipe' be in fact a pinch so you don't smear the shit further, that first pinch will control the amount of smear and get most of the shit in one shot.
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You my friend are a treasure trove of knowledge when it comes to shitting.

I feel like an amateur. And I have been doing it my whole life. :dumb-91:
 
Wait... who moved my shitting thread?

This is not a dumb thread! This is real advice. Dammit, I want this topic taken seriously.

Now Blackfyre will post prolapses and what not.

:rant:
 
a) That was me posting prolapses
and
b) I had like four of my threads moved up from DT to EE, so you've nothing to complain about. :dave:
 
Sorry, moved it over accidentally along with something else.

Chorn - none lf those were dumb!
 
Thank you fearless leader. I would have added "& bragging" if I wanted a dumb thread.

Chorn, if you have any advice on your prolapses, we're all ears.
 
If you're crapping at the office, use the bathroom near the marketing dept or wherever else the women sit. Those are the cleanest men's bathrooms and get less traffic.

Definitely don't shit near the IT dept or other such male dominated areas.
 
I take the stairs up one flight everyday to access the mensroom on a floor that is mostly empty offices. Sometimes people catch me in the stairwell and ask me where I'm coming from and I always make up stupid shit about the fileroom. Please tell me I am not alone in this type of idiotic behavior.
 
Allez Allez said:
I take the stairs up one flight everyday to access the mensroom on a floor that is mostly empty offices. Sometimes people catch me in the stairwell and ask me where I'm coming from and I always make up stupid shit about the fileroom. Please tell me I am not alone in this type of idiotic behavior.
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Not at all. I'd definitely do that. Stairs are great for helping the load descend for easier exit. I consider this solid advice, my boy.

But don't make anything up... let it hang, tell them you were taking a shit.
 
acidboy said:
there are days when I ride the car all day, and if you gotta go you might as well go to the classiest hotel in the area and do your business there. if its daytime, the ones that service the ballrooms/function rooms are the best.
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Unless there is an attendant, that scuppers the freedom.

In my office, the goddam cleaning lady must follow me around, she always seems to know on the door to clean when I'm in there. I hate yelling "occupied".
 
Blackfyre said:
Hey buddy. I don't poast no damn prolapsed anus. I poast trannies, furries, scat, bestiality, and other fucked up things. Prolapse is beneath me.
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Don't get your muff all in a huff. Man can have a lapse and misidentify.
 
I thought I remembered OP starting this thread!

I am the new owner of a Squatty Potty. Hopefully, my shitting position will now be optimized.
 
while squatting may facilitate the correct ergonomic position for effective shitting it interferes with reading or other multi-tasking, which is important
 
French do that stand and shit as well. I guess there is some merit to it, as it is the more natural historical shitting position.
 
JimmyRustler said:
I've never had a problem with the traditional toilet shit position. What are you people eating that you can't shit like an evolved human being?
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Like giving birth, mother nature designed you to be in a position using the necessary muscles. You strain when you try to be lazy because you are fighting mother nature.
I mean I'm a victim of this western culture too. But I want a German toilet with the doody examination shelf.
851018392_3e1e146eb6_m.jpg
 
I prefer the North American comfort sit-and-shit position over the squat-and-blast technique. The squat is effective out in the bush but that is by necessity rather than choice.

In South America, I CE across many public rest facilities that were built purposefully for squatting. Once in Cochabamba Bolivia, after eating some mystery meat purchased from a street vendor I soon felt the need to violently expel said delicacy. Finding a public toilet I rushed in and assessed the footrests and hole in the concrete, dropped my strides and was about commence when I realized the facility was Charmin-free. Up come the pants, back out to the front to find a smiling gentleman whose job it was to sell patrons tiny squares of thin, shiny paper. Frantically I asked how much for how much but he wanted to barter and all I could find was an America $20 so I flung it at him and grabbed everything I could. Apparently that was enough to buy his entire concession including the table and chair.

I returned, squatted amidst the filth, polished my ass with the shiny paper and sort of cleaned up myself and the facility with water from a 5 gallon drum using the 1 gallon plastic oil container with the bottom cut off to sluice the shite down the hole. This was only topped by some of the regional buses that had a hole for direct ejection of filth onto the roadway.

I could not have written this post while squatting.

All hail John Crapper
 
Russell Street said:
Like giving birth, mother nature designed you to be in a position using the necessary muscles. You strain when you try to be lazy because you are fighting mother nature.
I mean I'm a victim of this western culture too. But I want a German toilet with the doody examination shelf.
851018392_3e1e146eb6_m.jpg
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I've used one of those, if the toilet is in a confined enough space, you'll pass out with the smell. Who the fuck designed that?

The worst part of that toilet is that if it's a particularly heavy load, the water stream wont push it into the hole, and worse, when enough pressure builds it crashes into the front and its shit water on the floor, or your pants if you choose to inspect from the front.
 
Supposedly women's public bathrooms are always a hideous unsanitary mess largely due to germophobic "hovering" and resultant misses. I'm not a chronic squatter, but I must have better muscles, balance, or intelligence because I don't go missing...
OfficePants said:
I've used one of those, if the toilet is in a confined enough space, you'll pass out with the smell. Who the fuck designed that?

The worst part of that toilet is that if it's a particularly heavy load, the water stream wont push it into the hole, and worse, when enough pressure builds it crashes into the front and its shit water on the floor, or your pants if you choose to inspect from the front.
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They are notorious for the sitzpinkel, where there are literally signs telling you not to pee standing because it will splatter all over.
cf4fc6b161b454aac10570c6f53d7c32.jpg

All that I've read indicates that they are seriously intended for stool examination. I have had workplace experience with crap expelled above the water line that adheres through multiple flushes, so I can't imagine the trouble compounded with a level surface.
 
Use clippers on butt hair to ease cleaning. Don't shave all the way, the stubble will be unbearable and you don't want ingrown hairs.
 
I fully echo Thruth Thruth 's experience. Country rest stops are principal places where this happens.

And people always sell toilet paper separate from the stalls. Hated it while traveling by bus.
 
acidboy said:
I had a terrible summer back in junior high, spending 6 weeks living somewhere in Taiwan studying chinese and living in a dorm. and this was my first time encountering said squat toilets (or whatever you call them) and in our dorm, instead of cubicles with their own individual porcelains, we got something like this (but with doors) and an overhead flushing tank:

img_2131.jpg


after a month of misery you start to not mind this... except of course if you're the unlucky bastard that gets the last cubicle, nearest to the pit where everything gets flushed, and while you sit there a gush of shit and water runs down the canal passing below you.
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Holy fuck that's disturbing.
 
I had to take a dump post shower today, so I wanted a solid cleanup job. I doused a baby wipe with alcohol... holy fuck did it burn for a moment. I thought "never again" but once the fire cooled, I felt remarkably clean. Do it again or not?
 
OfficePants said:
I had to take a dump post shower today, so I wanted a solid cleanup job. I doused a baby wipe with alcohol... holy fuck did it burn for a moment. I thought "never again" but once the fire cooled, I felt remarkably clean. Do it again or not?
Click to expand...
alcohol? why?
 
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